Let the Fire Burn the Ice
by ParcaLuna
Summary: Will has always been a harsh person to work with. He is often so harsh, that others fear him. Can Grell break through and be the fire to melt Will's icy heart? Or will William stay locked thanks to a hard past? rated M for future chapters, language, self mutilation, and references to drug use. If you do not like yaoi and/or Mpreg do not continue reading. Note: WILL NOT CONTINUE
1. Anger

**Disclaimer: The characters and Black Butler/Kuroshitsuji itself is not owned by me and belongs to Yana Toboso. Rated M for language, violence, and future smut. Trigger warning in future chapters as well that involve self mutilation and alcohol. If yaoi (boyxboy love) and/or mrpeg bothers you, I suggest you read no further.**

The red reaper leapt from rooftop to rooftop still reeling from the adrenaline of her last kill. Though it was technically her job to "kill" and reap souls, Grell still managed to feel excitement from the rush of painting the streets of London a beautiful crimson red with the victim's blood. She knelt atop one rooftop taking in the sight of a beautiful milky full moon. In the strangest of ways, she felt truly at peace on these missions and for one moment could escape the doubtful feelings she had for herself lately.

You see, Grell was no ordinary reaper. While she was biologically male, she felt like a beautiful, feisty woman. And she wanted what any woman wanted: a husband to love, ravage, and support her and the pitter patter of little feet (though the latter seemed much less likely). But Grell constantly went for cold, cruel men who would reject her in the worst of ways. Yet Grell tried her damndest to find love and never give up. One of those cruel men was seen walking down the streets with food he had purchased at a local Asian market. The red reaper grinned showing her array of sharp, pointy teeth and prepared herself to leap at her star-crossed love.

Grell backed up and leaped off of the building aiming right at her sexy demon butler. However, the raven-haired demon new better and swiftly stepped to the side causing Grell to fall face down into the gravel road.

"Predatory mutts are usually careful not to get caught by prey," said Sebastian nonchalantly.

"Oh such cruel words," said Grell, "But I suppose I can forgive my naughty Romeo!" The reaper then leaped onto the butler's back. "So then, has the brat finally let you out on your own for a while?"

"Young master has sent me out to prepare a meal for a potential business collaborator from Hong Kong. I have no time for these little games."

"But Bassy!" the desperate reaper said melodramatically as she held on, her feet dragging while Sebastian walked, "We never spend any quality time together! Besides you owe me 24 hours of your time and I have chosen to use my token now!" she brushed his fingers over the demon's perfect features. "And you are ripe for the picking!"

The demon smirked, fuming inside himself with disgust at the retched creature that held onto him now. "I will have no part in this silly fantasy. First of all Sutcliff, it is biologically impossible for you to bare any children…let alone would it be with me. Secondly, I must tend to my master if you would please excuse me…"

"Please!" Grell cried, "I need my fill of Bassy! Please I'll do anything! Just a simple kiss!"

"Anything?" The tricky demon said turning to face the young reaper.

"Anything at all!"

"Well then," Sebastian smirked, "It would help if you would…" He faked as if he was about to say something, but all of a sudden he kicked Grell, literally, in the butt sending her flying through the air. Grell closed her eyes preparing for impact when she felt nothing at all. As a matter of fact, she felt arms around him.

"That will not be necessary foul demon." Grell recognized the voice of her superior, William T. Spears. "Oh Will!" the red reaper squealed in delight, "You've come to save me!"

Will ignored the excited glees of his former partner (plus the assaults of kisses attacking his face) and roughly set her down on her butt (Grell was sure going to be sore…and not in the way she wanted. "What are doing demon? Come scavenging for another soul?"

"Not at all reaper," Sebastian said with his usual fake smile, "I was just on my way home to tend to my young lord."

"It better stay that way," said Will, wielding his long extendable scythe inches away from the demons foot, "I won't have you meddling with Shinigami affairs or rough handling my workers." Sebastian simply shrugged and carried the groceries to the Phantomhive manor.

"Oh Will!" Grell cried hugging her boss, "You saved me! You really do care!" The brunette Shinigami pushed her off. "We have much to discuss considering your punishment. You know you should not be socializing with such filthy soul bandits! They cause havoc to our very being as soul reapers!"

"Oooo is someone jealous that young Grelly is having some fun with another man?" Grell said smiling, "You know you don't have to beat around the bush! Mmm! Two men fighting over me just makes me…" Before she could finish her gushing, Will smacked Grell so hard across her face she made a little yelp and fell onto the ground.

"Would you quit being so careless?!" yelled Will. Grell has never heard him talk this harsh and loud before and to be honest, it quite scared her (and not in a good way). "It's careless reapers like you that are the reason we are so behind! I am this close to demoting you but you still won't learn your lesson! You will now have to stay until 3 in the morning each day for a month catching up on all the chaos you created!"

"W…Will it honestly isn't that bad…I…I…I'm sure we can catch up…we always have…it's not my fault!"

"Shut up you disgusting whore! Another thing! Your loose reputation is giving us a bad name! Your unprofessionalism makes me ashamed that I once served side by side with you! I have been way too lenient with you! You start your overtime today!" He held up Grell by her long red hair and dragged her back to the dispatch, the poor reaper crying silent tears as they left…

**Sorry this was a bit short, but I wanted some leeway to lead us into the story. I really don't enjoy Grell being in pain as I love her soooo much! Note: I am going back and changing all references I, as the outside narrator, made referring to Grell with male pronouns. Yana did not really go into whether Grell actually identifies as female or that is just for fun. But because I believe she does, I will refer to her correctly as any transgender should be referred to. Please feel free to comment and review :)**


	2. Pain

**DISCLAIMER: All characters except for Jeremy and Grell's stupid parents belong to Yana Toboso, creator of Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler). However, the back stories and ways the dispatch runs are my original ideas. Warning this chapter has some violent scenes including implied child abuse, killing, and self mutilation so be warned. This is rated M for later chapters and includes violence, smut, references to drug use, suicide and self mutilation. If you are not into yaoi/Mpreg do not read further.**

Will eventually left Grell to her own in her office having to do several piles of paperwork. This part of being a Shinigami was the most boring part, especially for Grell. Once a person's soul was reaped, the reaper must view his or her cinematic record and put down the findings. It was then to be copied, filed and eventually organized into the library. Basically, this was the sitting part of the job and Grell hated it. But at this moment this was the least of her worries. For the first time, she admitted to himself the emptiness she had always felt. Though she had many good friends at the dispatch, she still felt lonely. She did not have a companion to come home to who would love her and support her no matter what. Grell had cats for a while and even some dogs in her life time, but animals were not ageless as she was and eventually she lost every one of her loyal friends.

_Of course Grell knew she was born a man. She wasn't that stupid! It was forced into her head every day when she was little by her father. She always felt these feelings of being different, but of course back then such a thing was a heresy. Grell's mother didn't do anything to help. All she did was sit there and watch both her children get beaten and chastised every day. Grell's older brother Jeremy eventually had enough and ran off with his male lover which completely distanced him from his family. Grell was left alone to get hurt even worse._

_ When Grell grew up, she finally moved away. Her father became even worse and Grell even tried to get her mother to come with her. But one day, she closed up her flower shop early and decided to pull her out of the home. When she arrived, she found her mother…dead…she was pale and she could clearly see hand marks around her throat. Something inside Grell snapped and she could no longer let this man get away with murder. She stroked her mother's cheek and angry tears fell. "Why didn't you leave?" she cried trembling and angry, "Why did you let him hurt you…hurt us?!" Her yellow green eyes narrowed and all she can feel was hatred and wrath._

_ Grell went outside to the barn grabbing her father's shotgun and loading it. She searched everywhere and eventually found her father sitting in the dining room…eating…as though nothing happened! This fueled Grell's rage even more. But then again…he looked rather vulnerable…back facing her. A predatory rage came through in Grell and she smiled. "Such a pity…you never were the smartest man!" _

_ With that she reached through the door, aimed the barrel, and shot her father in the leg sending blood and flesh everywhere. He screamed in agony and turned to face his attacker. "Y…you! You fucking bastard! You don't have the guts! You are not my son!"_

_ Grell simply smiled with pity. "You are right about one thing old man," she pointed the barrel at the man's forehead," "You are NOT my father!" With that a gunshot could be heard in the distance. Grell's enraged insane persona vanished when she realized…people will come for her…they'll kill her! They will put her with a bunch of men! I am NOT going to a prison where they will mistreat a lady! And with that…she went out to the barn…took a long rope…and hung herself from a high beam._

_ When next she woke up, she realized she wasn't dead! They would catch her! She tried to yell but instead started coughing. "You must relax now," said an older silver reaper who was tending to her. He wore a gray, buttoned suit. His silvery, white hair went past his back but did not shield his face. His eyes were bright, chartreuse green. He smiled at the young reaper and said, "Welcome to your new life." The man later known as Undertaker smiled. And so Grell began her new life as a reaper._

_ Apparently because his death happened ahead of schedule and did not appear in the book of death, she became a Shinigami. Most of the time, these creatures committed suicide in their human lives, but sometimes they were simply picked by higher up Shinigami or the elders. Undertaker definitely felt Grell had potential to become a great death reaper._

_ Grell was very shy when she first joined the dispatch. But then she made friends with two special people: Eric Slingby and Eric's later lover, Alan Humphries. Eric was a strong Scotsman who had blond hair that was in cornrows on one side opening to his normal soft hair on the other side. He had a bit of a goatee forming on his chin and wore blue shaded spectacles. While he was a strong tough reaper, he was always very caring and supportive of his friends. Especially Grell. So he did all he can to get the at the time brunette on her feet._

_ Then there was Alan, who later joined them a couple years after Grell had. Alan had died during a robbery. He had seen the horrible things they were doing to people in the market…torturous things. So he took his own life to avoid torture. Grell thought him very brave…much more honorable than her own death. Alan simply smiled and told her how brave she was to break away from that horrible man. _

_ Alan was a very sweet man. He had a smooth complexion and barely darker skin tone because of his Asian descent. He had high cheek bones and whenever he smiled, he had cute little dimples which Eric fell in love with. At the time joined them he had long brown hair much like Grell's was. But he decided to cut it as a symbol of his new life. It was now just above his ears. Grell agreed that a new life means a new change. She then changed her hair color to a bright red (her absolute favorite) and she cut her hair a little longer than Alan's, right under her ears._

_ Grell excelled in the Dispatch academy as an A average student _**(apparently an A, a B, and a C average out to that)**_. She was absolutely excited to start her first mission and really spill some blood. But she was given a partner, a much younger Will with less tamable hair. Grell claimed she was insulted that she work with a B average partner _**(seriously, all B's is a B average but an A, B, and C equal A average? Who measures this? Go check out the Black Butler OVA the story of Will the reaper if you don't believe me!)**_! But really she just wanted to work alone. Will was as much fun to work with as he was now! However, he was very shy and paid careful attention to the victim they were about to have. He wanted his first mission to be perfect._

_ Along the way though, Grell realized that Will was a very smart, logical man who taught her a lot of things. After they collected the information from their first soul, Grell and Will were actually decent friends. Will taught (or tried to teach) her about organization and gave her useful tips when seeking information on their victims. Grell fully enjoyed their talks and would try to get him to go ditch a job. Will was still a workaholic but he would be flexible when it came to Grell. But that all changed when Will was promoted to manager head of the dispatch. He and Grell rarely socialized anymore except when he was scolding him about work. It was like he became a different person…everyone saw it._

And now Grell was stuck in her office doing piles and piles of paperwork. She felt even worse from the beating she took. When Will slapped her, it left a dark, stinging bruise on her left cheek (it would take so much makeup to cover!). His words had hurt her even more. Despite being a constant flirt, Grell never really fooled around with every man she met! She had more class than that!

Grell's young apprentice, Ronald Knox came by to check on his boss. "Hey Sutcliff senpai," Ronald said sitting on his superior's desk, "I heard what happened. You okay?"

Grell sighed, "It's nothing new…I'm a whore, irresponsible, no conversing with demons…you know the drill."

"But still! That gave him no right to hit you! Eric said that when Undertaker senpai was running this place, physical punishment was not allowed. You should go to the higher ups about this!"

"They won't listen to me Ronnie. They've had to deal with me on a normal basis…I just…" the redhead tried her hardest to stop a rush of tear, but the pain from physical and mental abuse didn't help. "Grell senpai, you're tired," said Ronald putting a supporting hand on her shoulder, "You've been at this for a couple hours. Why don't you go home and take it with you?"

"B…but it's my shift!" Grell replied. "Well he can't get at you for not doing any work. I'll even cover for you. Come on boss, let me do this for you! I'll check you out and everything!"

Grell smiled. Ronald could be so childish sometimes, but he was always someone who understood her. She did not want him to take the wrap, but she figured Ronald usually did a good job of covering for her when she got sick. "Thank you sweetie," she said hugging the boy. She then stroked his hair. "That black really make your hair look uneven. You know your roots are on the top of your hair right?"

Ronald had light blond hair while the bottom in the back was black. "Well sometimes red hair fades and you end up looking like a clown!"

"Oh Ronnie!" the red head playfully smacked him on the shoulder, "You're terrible! But…thank you…so much for this…you have no idea."

"No problem boss."

And with that, Grell picked up one huge stack of paperwork and walked to her apartment. While she lived in an okay neighborhood, Grell's home was really more of a studio with her bed being in her living room with a plain kitchen on the side. The only other room in the house was the bathroom. Grell really wished she could add some spark with lots of red, but her rent was almost up and she'd have to find another home soon. Grell set her work on the cherry wood nightstand next to her full-sized bed and flopped down. Why did Will always have to do this to her?

Grell was about to get started on her paperwork, when something fell out of her purse. She recognized it as a rose pendant that Will gave her for being promoted to an official officer. Grell held the treasure in her hand and a wave of emotion came through. Warm tears feel out at the memory of a life before her friend became a stranger and a monster. She threw the pendant against the other side of the room and cried so hard she shivered as she gripped onto her bed. What was wrong with her that she had to deal with so many people hurting her?! The pain she felt was in her stomach, her head, and mostly in her heart. Here comes the pain again, she had to do something.

So Grell started her normal routine. She undressed and turned on the shower. Her body was very thin and not as firm as it used to be. All over her arms and legs were scars. Even on her stomach and upper chest. While this would not help in the long run, it made Grell feel numb to it all in the moment. She stepped into the shower and let the razor bride swipe across her thigh. As soon as she saw blood, a wave of heat and relief came over her. She then continued to shower until her scratch healed up. She put on her silky red robe and laid in bed, numb. Will was right…what was wrong with her? Grell was just dirt and gunk under her feet so what point did she have in life? Finally, after the mental beatings stopped, Grell fell asleep.

**~~~I know this got a little dark, but I feel this is a good lee way (if thats how you spell it) to the rest of the story. My poor Grelly. I swear I don't enjoy him in pain but thats how the story goes. Please be nice. Again this is my first story so be gentle. I swear it will get better. I will publish more soon :)**


	3. Regret

**Disclaimer: Sorry for the long wait! It's just you know Christmas and holidays and stuff. Plus internet was being a pain and I couldn't stop the writer's block! Anyways you know the drill. Artem, Lilly, and Devnet are the only original characters of mine in this story plus back stories. Everything else including Black Butler/Kuroshitsuji is owned by the great Yana Toboso.**

Grell woke up the next day rested enough, but for the first time was petrified to go to work. The dramatic increase in work load was the least of her fears. She really pissed Will off this time around and had to walk on egg shells even more now. Her heart was racing and she felt sick to her stomach with nerves. She needed something to calm her down. As tears fell, Grell ran into the bathroom grabbing a razor. She rolled her sleeve up and dragged the razor against her upper arm. She was no longer able to dramatically feel the pain, so as soon as she saw blood her body relaxed. She then created two more long marks underneath it feeling a warmth come back. A crazy thought went through her head, _maybe by punishing myself before work, I will try harder and work professionally so as to not upset Will_. It was a ridiculous notion, but it made enough sense to her. When her arm had stopped bleeding, she pulled herself together, made her hair presentable and walked to work.

Will's POV~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another fast paced day at work. Good lord it seems his employees have become so completely careless these days. Because of the incident with Sutcliff, a file was reported towards Will (of course by the dramatic red head himself most likely…). When he went to defend himself to the higher ups for simply putting his associate in line, they felt Will had been overworked and was acting out for overworking. For that, his punishment (only in Will's eyes) was two weeks off and hopes of seeing improvements in his attitude. On his final day before vacation, Will rushed to get as much done as he could and more. Honestly, besides Humphries and Slingby, he was the only reaper who gave a damn about his duties!

Luckily Sutcliff had not strutted by his office once…this is a good start, Will thought copying down the names of a young couple who had been in an unfortunate carriage accident. Good thing the Shinigami world had just started using automobiles…Just as he had placed everything in its file, there was a knock on his door. "Sir, may I come in?" said Alan. "Yes Humphries. Do you need anything?" said Will setting out a chair for him.

"No sir…I just want to ask if I could go home a little early today…mine and Eric's anniversary…" Normally Will would not let such a ridiculous notion pass as a reason to leave work, but he had a soft spot for Alan. He had been cursed with a disease that struck many Shinigami, the curse of thorns. This happened often from a traumatic life or death as a human, but the cause was still unknown. It's basically like cancer in humans that literally constricts the life out of them. But despite his illness, Alan still continued to work and progress well which Will admired. "Very well Humphries," he said nodding, "Just be sure that you and Slingby complete at least one reaping job today."

The lighter brunette nodded. "And sir? I wanted to ask…how is Grell doing? She isn't herself this morning." Will rolled his eyes, "Like it's any concern of mine. As long as he isn't slacking then he should be feeling fine."

"It seems like that's all you care about," said Alan glaring at him, "She got sick this morning and had to go to the nurse's office! The nurse said it's may be from stress and gave her office duty."

"Probably another 'fainting spell'," said Will getting annoyed, "You shouldn't always take him seriously. Sutcliff has a tendency to over act."

"So is that why SHE puked her guts all over the nurse's assistant and had low sugar levels? She was shivering for a while and for SOME reason was adamant that you not find out she felt this way and wanted to stay and work! Grell never wants to work in the office! You know she's afraid of you!"

Will's brow twitched a little. He never would admit it, but it did worry him that Grell wanted to stay at work despite being sick. "Is that all Humphries?" he said straightening up and heading to the library. Alan followed him and said, "You know sir, I'm the one who sent the complaint! You mistreat Grell all the time more than anyone and you need to calm the fuck down! Everyone's just too chicken shit to say anything to you!"

Will was rather surprised at the language Alan used, but it did strike a chord with him. He wanted people to be intimidated by him so they would get their bloody work done around here! But hearing how Grell was fairing…no! He would not feel sorry for the poor bastard! "Excuse me Humphries may I remind you who you are talking to?" he said, "Maybe you take pity on the bastard but I sure don't! If someone steps out of line they need to learn a lesson. It's people like you who let all the slackers walk over you!

"Oy!" he heard Alan's angry Scottish boyfriend, "Watch yer tone before ya send someone else to tha emergency room!" Eric put his arm protectively around Alan.

"Alan…look I'm sorry…but…"

"No! Yer not talkin' to him right now!"

"Eric really it's ok…"

"No! Just cause he's always got a sour way about him doesn't mean we let him get away with everything! Don't ya fuckin' raise yer voice to Grell or my lov again or I'll handle ya like a real man! Come on lov…let's get ya somethin' to eat." With that he led Alan away to the cafeteria.

Will was unspeakably angry, so close to putting Eric on his shit list! He dug through his drawer and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. He started to chug it down feeling the familiar burning liquid run down his throat. What no one knew was that William T. Spears…head of the Shinigami Dispatch of Great Britain and Northern Ireland…was an alcoholic. Why wouldn't he be? He was faced with the time consuming job of being sure that all reapers, rookies and all, were getting their work done and done efficiently. Plus…yes he knew that everyone feared him. He liked it that way so he wouldn't get stomped on all the time. He felt it was a way to please his superiors…even though they too saw him as a power crazed monster.

_Will wasn't always such a stiff upper classman. Unlike most in his division, he was born a Shinigami. As a matter of fact, he was born of two male Shinigami and how they discovered that male reapers can indeed get pregnant. From an evolutionary perspective, the population of Shinigami is dramatically lower than that of humans and it was said that Death itself gave this gift to these creatures to help their population thrive. So the maternal father would grow female organs necessary to support a new life for a temporary time. When his parents found out, they tried for months and eventually had a baby boy, William Taylor Spears._

_ He had a very happy childhood. His fathers were both scholars constantly learning about their race and therefore passed on an intelligent mind. They lived in the human world so it was obviously very strange for everyone when they see a child with two fathers. Plus, his maternal father, Artem, looked quite feminine with long white hair and a cute dainty figure, so he could pass as his mother at times. But they lived in a good neighborhood away from the temperamental bigots of the world. They sent their son to the very best of schools that would help his mind thrive. While going to school with humans, they taught him of their own race and all the power of life and death. They had even taken Will on a couple of reaping missions. While it would greatly disturb and maybe sicken most on their first missions, it fascinated Will. Being able to see the whole life of souls was his way of truly experiencing people. Plus, Artem and Devnet had a way of reaping souls that did not always cause a mess so it was not as scary to a child. Devnet always said that "a clean body shows respect"._

_ When William was 16, he graduated high school and went to the dispatch academy. He decided he wanted to stick with and stay in his homeland and chose to stay with the Shinigami Dispatch of the United Kingdom __**(until of course Southern Ireland became independent in the early 20**__**th**__** century, then the name was changed…a little history lesson…)**__. Unfortunately, in a fit of rage by the superior at the time, Artem was killed after being drowned in a lake. The official was executed and Shinigami officials were no longer allowed to use physical punishment. Will hated himself for doing the same for Grell…looking back…he was just like that evil man who killed his mother…Devnet was not the same afterwards and never remarried. Worried for his father, William bought him a quiet house in the Shinigami realm in his native home of Southern Ireland __**(now just known as Ireland…ok I'll stop with the history lesson…)**__ where he came to visit as often as he could. His father died peacefully holding a picture of his love that he would soon see in his afterlife._

_ William hoped he would find someone to make himself as happy as he knew his mother made his father. Of course back then, it was hard for a gay man to safely be with another man as his parents did. So, while staying in London, Will found himself a woman, Lilly, he thought was very nice and made great company for him. Because she was human, Will savored every moment he shared with her even growing to love her. She was his best friend, knowing all his little tics. Will felt that despite not being attracted to women, Lilly's personality and ways about her would bring that out for him. Eventually he summoned up the courage to propose to her. They were very happy and took their time planning a small wedding._

_ One day, he decided to go pick out some flowers for the occasion and came across a quiet, small little floral shop surrounded by the mix beautiful fragrant scents. He walked inside looking at the lilies, violets, daisies, and tulips. He was unsure of what flower would make the right choice for such an important day on his life. "Anything in particular you're looking for?" he heard a voice say. He turned around and was faced with one of the most beautiful faces he'd ever seen (he felt guilty for thinking that)._

_ This beautiful man, about his age, had a very feminine figure. Curves that gave him an almost hourglass figure. He had yellow-green eyes that seemed to hold a double iris but sparkled like a field on a spring day. His tiny, pointed nose gave him an almost faerie look. He had long, straight chestnut brown hair put back in a red bow and ending in the middle of his back. "Umm sir?" he said his eyes showing concern._

_ "Uhh…"Will started frustrated with himself being unable to find words. Plus the fact that he was an engaged man. "Oh yes! You see…I'm getting married and well…my fiancée likes white or violet flowers. So umm…well…I like these ones!" Will pointed to some white lily of the valleys in perfect bloom. "Good choice sir," said the faerie man, "I'll ring you up." Will had no idea what to do…why was his chest thumping so much? He wasn't supposed to feel this way towards anyone but his betrothed! After a quick thank you, Will carried his bouquet of flowers back home to give to Lilly._

_ That night while preparing a meal, Lilly glanced over at Will with a deep concern. "William?" she said, "Is everything alright? You have been quiet all day." Will looked up from his book on a page he had been on for at least half an hour. "Uh…no dear. Just a long day. Nerves about the wedding…" Lilly knew him well enough to know that it wasn't just nerves. But she let it slide not wanting to press him any further. "Do you think they will be enough?" asked Will, "Maybe I should have gotten more…"_

_ "I suppose I wouldn't mind having some more violets or lavender. Lavender has such a nice scent to it." Will saw this as an opportunity to prove to himself that he didn't have eyes for anyone but Lilly. Once he saw the flower man, he would just tell himself to keep his innocent thoughts. Easy right? Wrong. It turns out the beautiful man had quite a charming personality as well. He was very interested in foreign languages and besides English spoke German and French very fluently. He also had a deep appreciation for the arts and literature. They both shared a love of the work of Edgar Allen Poe (though Will did not really share his love for Shakespeare)._

_ This became almost a habit for him. He had more than enough flowers for the wedding, but in the end…he just had to come visit this beautiful flower. Any woman would have suspected right away when their fiancé bails on a few dates, but Lilly seemed to look the other way…it was almost as if she knew…but it didn't seem to bother her. On the month before the approaching wedding, Will decided to give his friend one last visit…he knew in the end that it had to stop. He was to be a married man soon._

_ "Well since the wedding is approaching, I was wondering if you could help me find a final set of flowers," he said with a warm smile. The faerie brunette frowned disappointed. "Oh yes…you'll be so busy with married life…you won't need to come here anymore…" An awkward silence was left between the two. The feminine man then gave a soft smile. "I have just what you need!" He went to the back of the shop then came out five minutes later with a small group of white orchids, with one red one in the middle._

_ "Orchids are special flowers. While everyone uses roses typical of a wedding, I would prefer using an orchid. Besides that a bit of red can do wonders to liven things up and make them unique." Will smiled holding the flowers close…unique…just like his flower…no! This was wrong! And with that, he gave what he never knew was his final goodbye…_

_ As if to punish him for such a horrid act, Lilly had caught pneumonia and was bedridden the day after Will left the flower shop. Her condition got worse and worse over time and the doctor said there was nothing more he could do. In Lilly's final hour, she reached to the orchid flowers on her bedside and pulled out the red orchid. She opened Will's hand and put it in his palm. "Find her…" she said, "Find her…I promise you will…" Will wish he knew what she was talking about but held onto the orchid. With that, her eyes slowly closed and she went into a deep peaceful sleep. When Will felt for her pulse, he felt nothing and cried laying his head on her chest. This was all his felt…maybe she found out and the betrayal killed her. He felt extreme guilt for not loving her the way he should have…she deserved everything…_

Ever since then, Will took to have alcohol to calm himself. When Grell joined the dispatch and he realized just who was part of his division, he tried to avoid her in the beginning. He of course could not blame her, but it brought on too many memories of a time he nearly strayed from Lilly. When they were made partners of course he could not avoid it. But he was able to forget when Grell underwent a whole new look and attitude. It was like he knew a different person. And at that point it became easier when he felt even an inkling of liking for the now red head. But he changed…while he did enjoy his time with his partner, once he was promoted he felt a higher calling that he needed to tend to. He wanted his parents to be proud and so he devoted his whole time to work. Of course, this made him much more reserved and closed off which would of course scare Grell away. He knew that was why the redhead would throw herself at the foul demon…it was all attention.

Today had been a stressful day and after becoming a little more buzzed he decided to leave early. He decided to go into Grell's office and see how she was doing considering how hurt she was. Will found Grell asleep on the floor with a big pile of paperwork on her side. Ugh why did he have to get so mean to get Grell to comply? As if he was offering some token of apology, Will removed his jacket and put it over Grell. He knew he had to apologize eventually, but tonight…he wanted to forget his problems.

After leaving Grell's office, he met Ronald in the halls. "Ronald, I'm leaving to early," he said, "Please close down today." He knew how irresponsible the boy was but at this point he didn't care. "R…really sir?" the blond said surprised, "Well uhh…you got it!" And with that Will took off home where he eventually drank whiskey until he passed out.

**Disclaimer: Sorry for the long wait! It's just you know Christmas and holidays and stuff. Plus internet was being a pain and I couldn't stop the writer's block! Anyways you know the drill. Artem, Lilly, and Devnet are the only original characters of mine in this story plus back stories. Everything else including Black Butler/Kuroshitsuji is owned by the great Yana Toboso. Also I kept in some references to Grell using male pronouns to describe him as I saw it as part of Will's thinking of things at the time.**


	4. Broken

**Disclaimer: Look out for feels in this chapter! Sorry it has been so long, but school started again and all the reading takes away the creative juices a little bit. I promise I will try to get more in in less time. Again, all the characters here except for Lilly and Tochi belong to Yana Toboso creator of Kuroshitsuji. Rated M for content, plus smut in later chapters. If you are not a yaoi fan and/or can't stand mpreg do not read further.**

Grell woke up around 5 am the next day. Had she really been so exhausted that she slept so long? She was a bit achy from sleeping on the stiff floor but this did not bother her in the least. What she did find odd was that she slept with a blanket he did not remember having with her. Once she removed it from around her shoulders, she realized it was not a blanket but a uniform jacket. From the familiar scent, she knew it was Will's! Taking in the familiar aroma and sighing with delight, the red reaper gave a big sharp grin at Will's generosity. But at the same time she felt conflicted and these conflicts in her brain caused the grin to fade. Will was angry with her! And whenever he was angry with someone he'd either be on them really hard or ignore them altogether. Will should have shaken her awake and yelled at her for napping on the job! What was going on? She'd figure this out eventually but was still too afraid to find him and question him.

For now, it was time she head home for a couple of hours before she had to deal with an incredibly long shift. Grell put on the long red trench coat she took from Madame Red and left her office at the end of the hall. As she came towards the elevator, she noticed Ronald standing there as well holding a cold compress to his head. "Ronald?" said Grell walking to her young subordinate, "Are you okay?"

"No worries," said Ronald a little quieter than usual, "Just a little headache from the party we had last night. Didn't you hear anything?"

"No! I fell asleep and I guess I slept the whole night through. And since when did William let you have a party?"

"Well uhh…he didn't 'let' me have a party per say…but he did tell me I could close down. I figured when do we ever get the boss away from the office?"

Grell sighed unable to get angry at the young man who was like a son to her. She was surprised Ronald didn't get the same dealt to him that Grell did. "Well thank you for telling me…hopefully I can have a long enough break at home before he gets back."

She and Ronald both got into the elevator. Their first stop was on the second floor where the cafeteria was. Ronald was about to get out but then stopped the door. "Oh and uhh…Grell?" he said, "…Will has a problem…I think he's an alcoholic. I see him with bottles in his office all the time. And last night I saw him walking home with a whiskey bottle in his hand. I know he really beat the shit out of you yesterday and well…I hope he gets the same dealt to him…but I'm still worried. I don't know if he got home alright. You know where he lives. Do you think maybe you could check on him?"

Grell sighed. "Oh I dunno Ronnie…I don't think he wants to see my face right now. And I don't know if he is an angry drunk."

"I know. If you are concerned I can ask Eric or Mister Undertaker to go with you. Please Grell…maybe this problem is why he's such an ass to everyone."

"Well you do have a good point. Alright I will slip by on my way home. If I need help I'll call them. Why don't you have Tochi make you some tea? He knows how to cure a hangover."

"You got it boss. Be careful." And with that, Ronald exited the elevator and headed over to Tochi, a retired Japanese Shinigami who barely spoke a word of English. Grell left to the lobby and headed outside to her gorgeous red Lamborghini. The Shinigami world was quite advanced in their technology than the current human world, almost as if they were on a different dimension. Grell loved that she didn't have to walk or lug around a smelly old horse drawn carriage.

Grell drove up to Will's drive way leading to a fairly sized two story house that was cream colored with green trim. He lived about a couple miles away from any houses at the end of a dirt road. He made quite a bit of money which was how he was able to obtain such a beautiful landscape. Because he was all alone out here, he had no need for any fences to separate him from other houses. Grell felt it sort of matched Will's personality in that he often wanted to be kept to himself, though not always a bad thing. How could such a cold, closed off man live in such a warm, inviting environment?

Nervously, Grell knocked on the door secretly hoping Will wouldn't answer. Seems that Grell got her wish because he did not even answer after a second and third knock. Out of the corner of Grell's eye, she noticed a brown ball bounce into view and was a little startled. But she then relaxed when she saw it was just Will's cinnamon colored, floppy eared pet rabbit (oops! I mean hare!) Marchy. Grell found it odd that he didn't have the animal inside with him when he got home from work. She picked up the floppy little fur ball, took a deep breath and did one slight tap before entering Will's home.

"Will?" Grell gently called setting Marchy on the floor. The house was so dark thanks to some long, dark curtains. She went over to get some light in the room and gently opened the curtains to the living room window. A small groan was heard causing Grell to jump and look behind her. There was Will, slumped across the couch, his uniform still on but messy. His usually slicked back hair was now loose and starting to frame his face and his glasses tilted at an awkward angle. Another whiskey bottle was down next to his dangling arm almost completely empty. What had happened to Will last night?

"William?" Grell kneeled next to Will scrunching her nose up at the scent of strong alcohol. She lightly patted the dark reaper's cheek. "Will, speak to me!" As she went to help him up, Will got up with a start and whacked heads with Grell. They both fell back holding their foreheads in pain. "Ugh…Sutcliff…what the bloody hell are you doing here?"

"I…I came to check on you," said Grell becoming a little scared, "A couple of us were worried about you…"

"Well thank you ever so much…" Will picked up the bottle preparing to drink it, but Grell quickly swiped it from his hand. "No! I think you've had enough! What is the matter with you?"

Will held his head at the noise and he swiped the bottle back. "My only problem is that my own damned coworkers won't mind their own business and leave me alone…Though if you must know, I had a little bit to drink last night."

"A little?! Will! A whole fucking bottle and what I heard some more back at work! Yeah that sure is just a little bit to drink!"

"Ugh…would you stop your damned screaming?! As if I don't have to deal with you enough as it is…did you ever stop to think that you are the one that causes my drinking? You and the rest of them but mostly you…"

Something inside Grell snapped. Instead of letting the warm tears she felt start falling, she decided to pull out the anger she had been holding back. This was it! "How dare you!" she screamed, "How fucking dare you insult me when I'm here trying to help you and make sure you're ok! I'm tired of taking your crap! You are cruel to me! Demeaning me, hitting me, embarrassing me! Well I refuse to let you pull me down even further! I can't believe I used to love you!" Both reapers' eyes widened at that statement. But Grell refused to hold back. "I refuse to work under you anymore! Things are going to change around here!"

"G…Grell…"

"No FUCK YOU! You will let me speak! I will never let you hurt me again! So go ahead and tell the higher ups just how horrible I am and just have them demote me to nothing! At least someone finally does something you ungrateful bastard! So if you want to be away from me then I'll just leave! I'd do fine in another dispatch outside of London!"

"G…Grell!" Will cried drowsily. His cheeks puffed a little and he sounded like he was about to choke. Grell reacted fast and quickly dragged Will to the bathroom. He started to vomit a little before he got to the toilet, some of the bile landing on Grell's shoe. Luckily, most ended up on target as Will practically buried his face in the toilet bowl. The red reaper grimaced and removed her soiled shoe with the tips of her fingers. Forgetting her own shallow thoughts, she leaned over to help Will smooth some hair out of his face. The raven haired reaper looked up at her. "I…" but he could not finished as another wave hit him. Grell shushed him gently and sighed rubbing his back. With all the shit they had been through, she always found some sympathy for the guy. Maybe Ronald was right. Maybe this is why he has always been so cruel and cold to others.

Grell soaked a small rag in the sink and handed it to Will once he flushed. "You okay?"

"I…I thinkso…"said Will barely able to speak, his words slurring close together. He leaned against the wall his head throbbing like mad. He must have been in such sensitive moment because now all he wanted was affection. Closing his eyes, he collapsed leaning on Grell's side. Grell's eyes widened, holding still and not sure what to do. She then put an arm around Will's waist and hoisted him up on his feet. "Come on you need to rest." And as soon as Will's head hit the pillow, he passed out.

It was around noon when Will finally awoke. His head was still aching quite badly, but no worse than usual. The fact that this had become a routine to Will made him feel even more horrible about himself. Why couldn't he reach out to others? Why were people so afraid of him not to even look his direction? Why would he give them a reason to fear him? Looking over to see the clock, he silently cursed himself for being so late. But for once, he did not even feel well enough to go to work. So he decided to get his slippers on, get something for his head and come back to bed.

As he made his way to the kitchen, he noticed a familiar scent in the air. Vegetable soup? To his surprise, there was Grell with no shoes on, stirring a pot on the basic white stove. "Grell?" he said causing the red reaper to jump slightly almost dropping the ladle. "W…Will…" she started, "You're awake!" The brunette nodding remembering that Grell was indeed there this morning. He just did not expect her to be here still. "You made soup?"

"Oh yes…I figured you probably haven't had anything good in your stomach for a while. Besides I find this tastier than chicken noodle soup." Grell kept on as if nothing bad had gone on between them, but she tried to be quieter not giving Will another reason to complain.

"Didn't know you could cook…" said Will adjusting his glasses.

"Well it helps when there are directions on the cover," said Grell holding up the can, "You should go lay down it will be ready in a moment…then I will be out of your hair." Will had no idea why that bothered him, but he nodded thankful for the redhead's kindness and sat on his sofa rubbing his forehead a little. He noticed that Marchy was chewing on some alfalfa in his pen with some other produce sources next to him. He thought Grell couldn't stand animals. "You even took care of Marchy?"

"Well I found him wondering outside and I wasn't sure when he last ate so…"

"Thank you…" Grell's eyes widened hearing her superior again give her a rare appreciation. She sat next to Will handing him a bowl. "Well I don't really mind caring for clean animals…"

"No…thank you…for everything…you helped me get up this morning didn't you?" The redhead nodded still at a loss for words from the compliment. "Well thank you…I just wish you did not skip work to come here."

"My shift does not start until 3 and you know that! I didn't have to come here you know!"

Will held up his hand. "Please calm down…I am not upset at you. Of course I know you have the afternoon to late night shift."

"Graveyard and pre dusk shift as well now…"

"Right…again thank you. Thank you for helping me…"

"Well…a lot of us were worried you'd hurt yourself. Look I need to go." Just as Grell stood up Will grabbed her wrist, a little tighter than he intended. "No wait…" He loosened his grip when he saw the other flinch, "I need to tell you some things." Grell sat back down hesitantly and Will sipped down his soup. Grell prepared herself for another lecture…perhaps another demotion or probation.

"I do drink…more than I should. It started when I lost my fiancée to pneumonia. But for a while I decided to stop out of respect for her…since I could not love her the way she wanted…When I was promoted I thought that alcohol would help me relax since the job was going to be so demanding. I thought it would help me relax around my co-workers, but it turns out that it only made them disrespect me more."

"I always respected you William," said Grell, "I may push the rules a little and I don't always like what you have to say. But I always thought you were a great reaper. It's so easy for you to think logically, unaffected by the lives you saw."

"I can't always shut away the sympathy I feel for victims," said Will looking at Grell, "I was just always taught that it was the natural order of life and death. So it is not so bad. And I really don't see any respect from anyone. No one does their duties anymore it's always an argument. I do what I am supposed to do and manage others, yet no one even bloody cares."

"We do care William," said Grell looking at him seriously, "It's the way you manage us that we argue about. Before our former higher ups, including Undertaker retired or became our council of elders they managed us well. People did as they were told because they were not belittled or chastised every moment of the day."

"So what am I supposed to do? Just let everyone do what they want and walk all over me? That won't work!"

"Why must things be so black and white with you? Leadership is not a choice between being a tyrant and doing nothing at all! It's about taking charge in a way that earns respect and shows your subordinates how to conduct themselves…"

Will sighed knowing the reaper was right. He knew that but his anger and frustration really got in the way of things. "You're right…I know…Since when did you get so smart?"

Grell could not help but blush a little, feeling Will loosen up. "There are different types of smart you know. I may not be book smart, but I do know people. Do you remember when you were up for promotion and I was worried being in a managerial position would change you? Well, you told me the same thing about leadership."

Will smiled a little, "Well I guess I should do as I say I will…Grell…I'm sorry. I know that I am the hardest on you. Is your face okay?"

"Well the bruising has almost completely faded…not like I didn't deserve it."

"No you didn't! You weren't doing anything wrong! But seeing you throwing yourself at that demon made me just…just…"

"What Will? What?"

"You know he can't stand you. He has made it clear many times that he lacks any interest in you!" Grell started to tear up a little. She knew that it was true but it really hurt coming from someone else. "I…I know…" she started rubbing her eyes.

"No…Grell I'm sorry…it has nothing to do with you. He is just cruel…he cannot see what he has…" Grell slowly looked up at him. "W…what he has?" Will did not say anything more. The room stayed silent until he finished his soup. The air became more awkward as he had no excuse as to why he would not answer. Grell finally broke the silence. "Will…what exactly does he have?"

Will sighed. "He has someone who is willing to do anything for him. Someone who looks on at him with admiration and attraction. Someone whom he will never be able to give the love that you deserve." Grell had no idea what to say. The words William spoke reminded her of a time she felt happy with a sense of belonging. The old Will whom she had come to respect as a partner and friend. Suddenly, the raven reaper became overcome with emotion. He had taken for granted the same love that Lilly felt for him that Grell did for Sebastian. Even how she may have felt for him years ago.

He covered his face with his hand and shook, tears pouring like a flooded dam from his eyes. He cried for all the people he hurt, Grell included. He lost all of his friends and the respect of his peers. He had no idea of how to run things without causing fear. How to deal with Grell. He cried over the fact that as much as he loved Lilly, he was not in love with her and put on a façade in order to keep the image up. His own fears of rejection caused him to lead her on. And Grell…Grell…the only person in his life he felt connected to was gone and now feared him. She put up with his abuse for so many years and was probably about to leave him for it. What is wrong with him? Why can't he give her the love he deserves?

Grell's heart was in knots at this shocking display of emotion from her boss. Tears fell from her own eyes, feeling so sorry for him. She wrapped her arms around Will allowing him to vent however he needed to. All she heard Will say was "Lilly", "sorry", "Grell, "failed". Will really was suffering and she knew only she could fix this. She would get back her old friend. She let Will cry on her for about an hour before the raven reaper passed out. Then the red reaper herself fell asleep with him.

**AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! There we go! Feels so good to finally finish a chapter! Again so sorry for the wait! Blame college! Much more will be in the future. Plus more happys coming up. Thank you and be nice as this is my first fanfic! ^-^**


	5. Redemption

**My apologies for not being on or posting. College has gotten me so busy (though sometimes a procrastinate). It's even caused me to not want to write at all since there is so much writing to do! To those who are staying with me thank you! All characters mentioned except for Marchy belong to Yana Toboso. Rated M for future smut. Please do not ready if you don't like yaoi and/or mpreg.**

Will had awoken around 3 that afternoon. Damn he felt drowsy! Too much sleeping can do that to you. Probably didn't help that he had gotten himself dead drunk again. While he knew that he was off for two weeks, he still wanted to get something productive done. As he was about to sit up, he felt a warm figure next to him. There was Grell curled up on his couch hugging a pillow looking as cute and serene as ever. Will blushed at this unable to resist smoothing the red hair aside. He noticed that Grell's shirt was riding up and was about to fix it when he noticed some sort of mark. Careful not to wake the effeminate Shinigami, he slowly inched up her shirt to the middle of her stomach noticing some small scars. They were too evenly spread to be accidents!

He decided to further investigate this matter. Will moved to Grell's sleeves and gently pulled one up to his elbow. Grell sure was a heavy sleeper. His guess was correct…he saw close scars going up Grell's inner arm. Was this all because of his doing? God why did he have to do this?! The raven reaper sighed and decided he'd confront the redhead about this when she woke up. Maybe he wasn't the only one with a problem…But Grell just looked too peaceful to be bothered. Will put a blanket around her and went into his kitchen.

Almost automatically he reached into his fridge and grabbed a bottle of scotch. As he set the bottle on the counter and reached to get a glass from his cupboard, he stopped. He picked up the bottle and stared at it as if it were an old enemy coming to attack. This was the reason he lost all his friends…the love of his life…the reason his parents were probably crying for him wherever they were. Not again…he couldn't do it anymore…and with that, he opened the bottle and poured it down the sink. It was almost like he was amputating a viciously infected arm from his body. It hurt and he felt a sense of loss, but in the end, it was what had to be done if he wanted to survive.

Just as he threw the empty bottle away, he heard Grell walking into the kitchen. "Sorry…did I wake you?" The red reaper shook her head and looked at the sink. "Was that all you had?"

"I believe so. It should be." Grell looked over at his cupboard and noticed two more bottles. "Really?"

"Oh!" said Will picking them up, "Must have forgotten…"

Grell looked at him and shook her head. Will knew just what she was thinking and that she thought right. Maybe he was going to use those later. "I want you to check everywhere in your house where the bottles might be hidden…you can't heal if you don't get rid of the source first."

Will nodded knowing she was right. "I have some at work as well…I'll call Ronald and have him empty them all." As soon as he ordered the young rookie to exterminate the poison, he and Grell searched his whole home finding some bottles of different beverages here and there. Will had no idea why he hid so many…it wasn't like he was trying to hide it from anyone. Maybe it was that it would always be there no matter where he went as many people in his life were not. For some reason, it was very hard for him to throw away the very last bottle, but Grell stood by him the whole time. He was surprised how serious the often loud reaper was when she put his mind to something. When he finally poured the last of the toxins down the drain, Grell smiled. "Good, Will. I'm proud of you. Taking the first step."

"Thank you Grell," Will said smiling back a little.

"I know getting rid of it is only part of how you fix this, but every bit counts."

"I suppose I could go find some help to tackle these issues…I don't want to drink again."

"I'll help however I can."

"You know Grell, how about instead of having that late shift…maybe you could help me figure this out if it isn't too much trouble…"

"A…are you sure? I thought I was in trouble!"

"Well you aren't…besides…I was just angry at the demon."

The redhead blushed a little. "Well, I'd be delighted to do whatever I can to make up for all the mistakes I made." Will shook his head and thought back to what he discovered earlier. "I may regret this Grell but…what have you been doing to your arm? Your torso?" Grell looked down a little ashamed. She had no idea how he found out but she knew she couldn't hide it. "I guess it does for me what alcohol does for you…as strange as it sounds I enjoy the pain…what I like is that yes there is pain but it quickly will go away…life isn't like that though…"

"It's because of me isn't it?"

"No Will! Well…it isn't just you. Actually you are a small percentage compared to other things. I don't have a real family that loves me. Every day I walk down the streets and get these looks. Whenever I walk into a dress shop and purchase something, women stare and laugh behind my back. Men shake their heads in disbelief that such a….such an abomination to God walks among them…my father's words mostly. I was born a man yet I feel truly in my soul that I am a woman and prefer to be addressed as such…people either laugh or become repulsed by me." She turned away from Will and stared at herself in a mirror. "The way I look…it's wrong…the way I am…" She started to tear up.

Will sighed and turned her to face him. Wiping her cheek he said with the greatest sincerity, "There is NOTHING wrong with you." With that Grell started to cry a little more and hugged onto Will, who gently stroked her back trying his best to comfort her. "You are a unique little flower…a unique red orchid."

"What?"

"Oh um…well uhh…anyways there is nothing wrong with you. You may lack in office work, but you are a fantastic reaper. Someone that enjoys for the most part their job. You are a good friend always caring for others. You are…you…you're quite attractive…" Both reapers blushed at this. "But I know you have a lot of pain and have trouble really reaching out to others. I think I helped with that…"

"But Will…"

"But this isn't the way you should deal with this pain. Whether you know it there are many who care for you and your well-being…including myself. Let me help you with this…please Grell…I owe you more than anything."

"Y…you'd help me?"

"Of course I would!"

Grell smiled her big normal toothy smile and hugged Will tightly almost knocking him off his feet. The dark-haired reaper smiled at this a little. It was nice that Grell felt happy enough to pounce on him instead of the demon. A little embarrassed by this thoughts he pushed the red reaper away before things could get too awkward.

"Well umm…you probably need to rest so why don't I get going?" said Grell with a small smile. Will looked a little sad at this and did not hide it fast enough. It quite honestly warmed his heart and Will was so enjoying her company. And did she seriously just call him attractive?! "I'll tell you what. I'll come over tomorrow and help you with anything you need." He looked around at the surprisingly sloppy environment that Will lived in. "This place definitely needs a woman's touch."

William sighed. "How about 9 pm tomorrow? I give you permission to leave early. We could get a bite to eat."

"It's a date!" said Grell. And without even paying attention, she gave Will a peck on the cheek. For a while after Grell walked out the door, Will held onto the warmth on his cheek as if it were a treasure that could escape at any moment. Perhaps, he would be ok…maybe he could change for the better. Perhaps he had found his red orchid…

Grell quickly stopped by her apartment to get a change of shoes. She looked at her usual high-heeled boots. She must have scrubbed so hard that it wore the previously soiled boot out. "Oh my poor little babies. I supposed you have taken your course." As much as it pained her, she threw the boots away. She dug through her closet finding some regular dark red heels. "Ugh! These shoes do not go with my work bottoms…why does there have to be a dress code?"

As Grell was about to leave for work, there was a knock at the door. "One moment please" she quickly put her shoes on and gave her hair a quick tease. Obviously the visitor did not hear her because there was another knock that this time became more fast and desperate. "Bloody hell I'm coming!" Once she opened the door, a frantic Alan rushed in and tightly hugged her.

"Oh thank Death you're alright!" he said, "Ronald told us that you went over to Will's! How could you do something like that after what he did to you?! I came by to check on you but you weren't here! Oh god Grell…" Alan then sent himself into a coughing fit.

"Alan, darling calm down!" Grell put her arm around the frantic reaper and led him to her bed to get him to relax. "You know Undertaker says not to stress yourself like this! It'll make it worse! I am fine ok?"

Alan took a deep breath. "Oh good…that's great…" After he finally calmed down, Grell decided to explain herself. "I promise you I am just fine. I think I actually had a real breakthrough with Will. He is in a lot of pain and needs help…I think I can really get through to him."

"Don't overestimate him Grell," said Alan concerned, "Will has really fooled us a couple times. He's the type of person you think is totally calm. But then any little thing can instantly set him off. He never has been known the go off on me, but he did yesterday. I had to hold Eric back from coming after you."

"Well darling it doesn't help to fight fire with fire. Make sure your Scotsman knows that."

"Of course. But still Grell. Besides Eric you're my best friend and I only want the best for you."

Grell smiled and put her hand on Alan's shoulder. "Don't you worry about a thing. I am a big girl and can handle myself a lot better than people think. I think we all need to help give Will a fresh start. Make it easier for him to do so." Alan sighed. "Alright…I'll do with what I can. But it will be hard for the rest of us."

"Thanks Alan!" the excited redhead hugged her dear friend, "I swear I will prove to you all that Will really has turned over a new leaf. Now enough about me…" She put her arm around him as they went out to the car, "How have you been feeling?"

Alan sighed as he got in and sat in the front passenger seat. "Well, I don't have as many outbursts as I used to. Eric takes that as a good sign, but I'm always warned of the calm before the storm…I know it's better to be positive…but I don't want to see Eric get hurt…I am almost thinking of ending it with him…"

Grell put the car in drive. "Oh darling that's a terrible idea! You two love and need each other. Breaking up with him will only hurt him worse. Knowing Eric he'd bravely want to stay with you until the bitter end. Besides, seeing how emotional you are getting I know you don't want that either."

Alan quickly wiped a tear and nodded. "I know that…I do love him more than anything. I used to dream about getting married…having a few kids…all those dreams are far away…"

"While I don't think it'd be fair for a child to lose his or her mother, who's to say you can't get married? You can at least be sure you lived a life as Mrs. Slingby."

Alan blushed a little at this. "Hey! Just because he's more outgoing than me doesn't make me a woman."

"Oh darling how many times have you come into work barely able to walk? I know you bottom." She giggled teasing him steering the conversation to a more light-hearted humorous one.

"So? Unlike you I was born the gender I feel…besides I couldn't pass as a woman."

"Oh darling if you styled your hair just right you could have a cute pixie look…"

"Don't start dragging me up woman! Eric is completely gay like me. He'd never touch me again if I were a woman." Grell laughed at that. She really enjoyed these special moments she had with her friends. Particularly Alan. They always made her feel a sense of belonging and even addressed her correctly (at least to her face) using the right pronouns. As heartbreaking as Alan's situation was, Grell was thankful that she got to know such a kind-hearted individual. That was why she tried to stay positive whenever the horrible disease was mentioned. If she herself were about to die, she'd rather not know and spend her last days laughing and being with those she loves…perhaps Will would be added to those people…

**And there we go! I should be working on another assignment but I just had to write more fanfics! more fluffy chapters to come! Thanks for sticking with my lack of story! Please review :)**


	6. Exceptions

**Disclaimer: I do not own any other these characters except for Lilly. I did however come up with their background stories. Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler belongs to Yana Toboso. Attack on Titan/Shingeki No Kyojin and its characters belong to Hajime Isayma. Rated M for later chapers. If Yaoi/Mpreg/LGBT people or any of the above bothers you do not read this.**

Grell slept in until around 11am the next day. For the first time when she awoke, she did not feel a sense of dread washing over her. She didn't even feel the need to cut anymore. Perhaps the breakthrough in her relationship with Will (whatever it was) had added to that extra boost of confidence. The red reaper blushed thinking about their "date" later that evening. She started to get all giddy and hyper like usual in these romantic type situations, holding her pillow close. _But would it be a date_? Grell asked herself. They never really talked about meeting anywhere. Perhaps they would meet at Will's place then leave somewhere? The suspense was just killing the redhead, so just in case she decided to go out and get something nice for the occasion.

After having a few sips of her favorite mangosteen tea, Grell decided to put on something other than her usual uniform. Surely Will wouldn't mind. She found a simple but cute black skirt that stopped just above her knees. It may have been a bit risqué for this time, but Grell admired how flattering it looked on the female employees at work and felt it would work for her curves as well. Good thing she remembered to shave. She didn't really have a lot of feminine tops unless they were full dresses, so she wore her white dress shirt from work but this time put a black vest over it with a dark red trim that came around the back like her usual brown vest. _I just __**need**__ to get some more red clothes_ Grell thought. But she shrugged. At least she had some plain dark crimson shoes with a small heel.

Instead of leaving her long red hair down, Grell decided to put it up in a nice high ponytail. She modeled herself in front of the mirror and admired how elegant it made her neck look. _Oh absolutely fabulous_! She was really starting to feel confident today and decided to go out and shop for some more nice red attire. Perhaps she could find something nice for tonight!

Grell decided to head down to her favorite store Kyojin Trost. The employees there were so nice and did not really seem bothered by the fact that she was biologically male. In fact, she'd often get clothes custom made for her unique figure. Luckily, her favorite employee Zoë Rivaille was there helping customers. Grell swears they must have been sisters in another life because their personalities were so similar! Except Zoë's hair was a darker maroon color and much shorter. Her skin was also a bit darker and she had light brown eyes.

"Good morning Grelly! It's so good to see you! What can I do for you today?" she said in her usual chipper attitude.

"Hello Zoë!" Grell smiled, "Well I need some more red in my wardrobe and I also am preparing for a date tonight. Something classy but not too formal."

"Well let's see what we have here…" Zoë pulled out some yellow measuring tape and started taking Grell's measurements. She seemed to be very deep in thought. "Well I do have an idea for something I can make just for you. But there may be some small sizes over there that I think really fit your sense of style. I'll be right back!"

"Oh thank you darling!" Grell excitedly went over to check out the women's dresses. Surprisingly there was a wide array of red and black on the shelves. Grell was in absolute heaven! She came across what looked like a beautiful shirt and top combo. The top was a dark red salmon color with long poofy sleeves. It didn't seem to froufrou even for Grell's taste and looked just tame enough for a simple night out. The bottom was another long black skirt like the one she had. Except this one ended just below her knees and had a black ribbon that wrapped around the middle of the torso. She decided that Will would definitely love something like this on her. Nothing too showy, yet something that stayed with her own tastes. She had the ensemble in front of a long mirror and admired its class and elegance.

Just as she was modeling for herself, a little girl started staring at her. Grell was unsure if the child was afraid, being judgmental, or just curious. But she smiled at her and continued posing with the outfit. "Mikasa let's go somewhere else," said the little girl's mother pulling her away while glaring at Grell in the mirror.

"Mommy, I wanna look pretty like her one day."

"Well you can't because that is a man. An absolutely disgusting way for a man to act. We stay away from people like him." Grell looked down embarrassed wondering if the lady knew that she could actually hear her.

"Why?"

"It's just not how a proper gentleman acts. Men do not wear dresses or obsess over their looks. They are providers and hard workers. What a freak against God…" she then pulled Mikasa out of the store leaving Grell frozen in place. No matter where she went this always happened. Everyone passing on their judgements and turning their backs when she did nothing wrong. The familiar feeling in her stomach made her feel as if she were about to implode. _What on earth is wrong with me?_ She thought. _Men don't like me…women find me repulsive…why am I such a disappointment? Why can't I be me?_ Grell felt warm tears starting to form in her eyes. Just then one of the employees came up to her. "Can I help you find anything ma'am?" said the short ginger haired girl.

"I…I…" Grell could not face anyone right now, "I…I don't need this…I must be going!" she shoved the outfit into the girl's arms and stormed out of the shop leaving the girl confused and a little worried. There was a reason Grell never shopped as much as she used to. There would always be one person who knew her secret and would disrespect her to her face. It was always too dangerous to truly be herself in this world that frowns on differences. She used to simply dress as a male to avoid scrutiny in public, but that just felt wrong and made her feel even worse. Every insult she took just added more insults she'd repeat to herself. Grell felt completely alone finding it harder and harder to breathe. She was beginning to feel sick again but nothing to relieve the pain.

Grell kept walking, her tears flooding down like a broken dam. Why was she so alone in this world? There was no one else like her, someone who felt differently than how they were born. She was a mistake…Grell ended up right at work about an hour before her shift started. Her tears now drying on her cheeks, she continued to avoid eye contact with anyone that walked by. Even Alan. "Hey Grell!" he ran up to her excitedly "We have some wonderful news!"

Grell didn't even hear when he announced his and Eric's engagement. All she could hear was that lady's words ringing around in her head weighing down on her stomach. "Hey Grell you ok?" Alan asked putting a hand on her shoulder, "You aren't listening to me…"

"I…I'm sorry Alan…what did you say again?"

Alan frowned a little and tilted Grell's chin up "Grell you've been crying! What happened, Red?" Grell felt more tears come back at the concern of her dear friend "I…I've just gotten started off on a bad day…I'm…I'm a freak!"

"Where the hell did you get that idea?! You are, in no way, a freak! Now tell me what happened…" Just then Eric came by and kissed Alan's cheek. "Hey. What's goin' on here?" Grell became much more stressed now that more people were watching. "I…I…." she broke down crying and stormed into the women's restroom to hide in a stall. Alan ran in after her ignoring that this was indeed the lady's restroom. "Grell wait! What happened sweetie?"

Eric was just as shocked as Alan was. He didn't want to barge in and interrupt them since Grell seemed to trust him a little more with this type of thing. But even so he was very concerned for his friend. After pacing a little, he finally got an idea. Eric had a feeling that he knew why Grell was acting this way and decided to settle things himself. He dialed his phone.

Will was just finishing cleaning up around his house. He didn't realize how messy and disorganized things got when he was drunk. It honestly pained him to realize he could let this place go downhill so bad. And the fact that Grell was there to view such a monstrosity. He tried to abstain from gagging as he cleaned some hard to reach places in his bathroom. But he managed to scrub every corner of his large house. Even having to clean up after his poor little hare. After letting Marchy out to run about in the fields he decided to get some things ready for tonight.

Most of his wardrobe consisted of various work uniforms, tuxes, and various formal ware. He wasn't sure if Grell would have wanted him to dress more casual. Will had no idea how to be on a date. Besides Lilly, he really had not done this sort of thing with anyone else. And Lilly was much more mellow than Grell which would make this a lot harder…He decided not to slick his hair back like usual and go a little more casual, though his untamed hair (untamed by Will's standards) did annoy him. He set out some black pants and decided on a dark blue dress shirt.

All of a sudden his phone rang and he picked up. "Yes, this is William T. Spears."

"Tha fuck ya think yer tryin tah pull?!" answered an angry Eric.

"Slingby? Look…I am very sorry for going off on you both like that. I was in a bad place."

"That's not what I'm talkin' about! What tha hell did ya do to Grell?!"

"Grell? What are you talking about? I haven't seen him since yesterday. What's going on?"

"I'll let tha incorrect pronoun slide. But don't act like ya don't know! Ya just can't help but use Grell as your favorite punchin' bag!"

"I did nothing to physically harm Grell yesterday! As a matter of fact we are getting along quite well and reconnecting."

"Then would ya mind explaining to me why Grell came into work in a panic and cryin' so bad?!"

"Grell?" Will stopped trying to think if he said anything wrong the last time they met, "I…I didn't know Grell was upset…we didn't fight or anything…we even had a date planned tonight…maybe I should come down."

"I don't want ya startin' anything!"

"I promise I won't. I know I haven't done a thing to earn your respect and I'm sorry. But right now I am more concerned about Grell. I'm coming down." And with that, he left in just his sweats, T-shirt, and slippers.

"A…and it just hurt so bad…" Grell stammered still in a great deal of pain earlier and taking solace in a bathroom stall while Alan listened on the other side. "U…usually I can just mask it or just block it from my mind…but…but that woman was right! I am a freak!"

"Grell that is not true," said Alan very worried for his best friend. "People just don't get that sometimes people feel different than how they were born. It is not your fault nor your job to be something society may want"

"He's absolutely right" said Will not caring who saw him walk into the lady's restroom.

"W…Will?" Grell said surprised. She then remained quiet and totally embarrassed that now even Will knew what a crybaby she was.

"Humphries, do you mind if I have a moment alone with Grell?"

"I…I don't know if you should. She's really upset right now…" Eric nodded at Alan telling him it was alright to leave them alone. But because he didn't completely trust Will yet he continued to wait outside the door. Alan nodded and went out with his fiancé.

"Grell…please let me talk to you. I'd feel much better if I could talk to you face to face."

Grell hesitated for a moment. She reached for the lock of the stall door, but stopped not wanting Will to see how horrifying she looked in this hysterical state. "I…I can't…." She pulled her knees to her chest and hugged them.

"Please Grell? You've seen me in my absolute worst state. I promise this will be must easier if you open the door. I want you to hear me out please…"

Grell sighed and slowly opened the door avoiding all eye contact with Will. Will sat right next to her against the wall. "You are in no way a freak. It takes so much courage to truly be yourself in such a judging society. I never could do that."

"I…I want to be able to shop and make myself look pretty without people looking down at me. And I can't do that…"

"Well to tell you the truth that happens to everyone. Some people are just rude enough to say it in your face." He handed Grell a tissue. "But what you are doing is so brave…if only I were even half a brave as you."

"What have you got to be brave about? Everyone sees what a successful, high-ranking reaper you are."

"Well I get judged all the time. Not like I don't deserve it though. But I have a reputation to keep up, so that often means not truly being myself and instead being some terrible tyrant constantly barking orders." He chuckled a little at how true it really sounded when he thought about it. "Besides that, I had to lie about myself in public all the time before I met you.

Grell looked up at him, her yellow green eyes starting to dry. "What do you mean?"

"Well, a homosexual man in this day and age could not survive in this world. That's why I met a woman so quickly and proposed to her. I lied to make others happy and ignored my own true feelings…"

"You had a wife?"

"Well fiancée," said Will, "Lilly was her name. She was a very kind woman and my best friend. But I lied to her in saying I loved her in such a way…for some reason I think she knew…but helped me to keep up my charade. But I know now that lying to yourself if never the answer. That is why you are so brace. You are willing to sacrifice everything to be who you truly are inside…"

"Well it isn't easy," Grell said, "Only a few of my friends call me by the correct pronoun. But I hate hiding who I am from the world. I lived in a very restrictive home and I don't ever want to go through that again."

"Well as long as I'm around you won't have to," Will put his hand over hers causing Grell to blush almost as red as her hair.

"William no matter what people say, I am a woman…so this will be a problem if you like men…"

"Perhaps you are my exception," Will winked a little, "I met you before I met your gender."

"Oh Will when did you learn to be so romantic?!"

"Practice I suppose. Why don't we get you cleaned up and ready for our date?"

"Oh of course!" Grell washed his face in the mirror "I am so sorry…I look like a complete mess. And this is not the outfit I wanted to wear!"

"Oh you look just fine. We can get you something afterwards if you want." Grell blushed deeply and kissed Will's cheek. "Oh you are so sweet!"

**I am SOOOOOOO SOOOOOO SORRY for not posting in a while. I have to work on some stuff since I will be transferring to a university in the fall. I really wanted to posted this on the day that same sex marriage became legal everywhere in the U.S. but I had no ideas or inspirations :( I promise I will work harder to update more often. Thank you to all of you that waited patiently. If I lost readers because of this I am sorry :(**

**Another note I have decided to give Grell what I think she would prefer as the proper ways to address her. Let me know if you think I should correct any male pronouns she may have been addressed as in the previous chapters. Sorry for my terrible descriptions too. Again I wasn't that inspired. But again I hope you like my little tribute to AoT ;)**


	7. Hiatus

Hello to my very few followers. I know it has been a year or two since I posted the last chapter and for that I am sorry. I know what it's like to follow a story for so long and nothing gets posted. I just transferred from junior college to a university so that has kept me very busy and distracted from the story along with giving me writer's block. Plus life often gets in the way too. As for this story my mind has become completely stale and I do not intend to finish the story at this point so I think I am at a good place to declare it complete. There may be a small chance that I hit the writing goldmine and come back and complete it, in that case I will update this, but again it's a small chance since the story is so old. I am really sorry to any followers I have please forgive me. On a positive note I would like to get back into writing stories even if not Kuroshitsuji. Thank you for all of you who have been patiently waiting. Goodbye for now 3


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